How many days until the next vacation?

My students return this Monday. At least the ones who have not fled to Mexico or friendlier states. I thought as an icebreaker, I'd dress up like Sheriff Joe and ask for papers when they entered the classroom. Unfortunately, my school doesn't have much of a sense of humor. At least not my kind of humor.


All of the copiers were broken at school last week, so I'm going into the first week paper-free. I'm hoping this will cover my mandated requirement of incorporating "Sustainability" or "Going Green" into my curriculum. The first day we returned, we all had to sign a "contract" that we would commit to a few things:

1. Participate and enjoy and benefit in ALL teacher meetings.

2. Teach lessons Al Gore would be proud of.

3. Use some new acronym-laden teaching strategies. For example, "APR": Ask a question. Pause and count to five. Randomly call on two students to answer.

3. Respond to all emails in a timely and "friendly" manner.
Never mind that the assistant principal never answers her emails and resembles Dodie Goodman in Splash.
(Remember the bra worn over the blouse? That's my administrator's M.O.)

Well, this contract signing was followed by an ice cream social where administrators donned paper hats and scooped ice cream. My admin team is so crazy! I don't think many teachers stayed for that. I went back to my room, put on bossa nova and pretended I was high.

I'm currently working on a Family Medical Leave Act that excludes me from attending teacher meetings. Carlos has it for his job because of ear/nose/throat issues. So why can't I? I'm thinking my gay doctor can excuse me for some psychiatric reason. Or that I'm allergic to bullshit. Something like that. I think my doctor will do it. If I let him give me a few more prostate exams. He seems to like those.

I read Carrie Fisher's book, Wishful Drinking this summer. She has this great line about distinguishing between a Problem and an Inconvenience. And how we always confuse the two. I loved that. So my new philosophy for my job is that everything that happens there are Inconveniences. And they really are. There are no problems. So, really, my only problem now is getting a first-class standby seat on that next transatlantic flight. Damn all those paying passengers!